I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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