so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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