don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
my poor anus
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
