I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
