hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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