There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
