Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
