the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
