OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
