wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
His hands were made for my vagina.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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