Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
