dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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