the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
