I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
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