Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
