You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
