I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
