cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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