dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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