I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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