I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
