we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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