Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
