its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
