Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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