I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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