I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Is Oprah even human
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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