My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
