just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
