just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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