You smell like stripper and shame
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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