Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
