There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
it hurts more in the daytime
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
