my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
