I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
