Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we're making bets on your personal life
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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