I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
