god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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