Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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