I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
