Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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