I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
