I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
