i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
