I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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