this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
where are my eyebrows?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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