why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
