He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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