He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
