The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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