Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
