would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
