so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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