he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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